I need another word for sad.

I feel like I've just  been walking through the grief-haze for the last week. That haze where you can't remember 3 seconds ago what you said or what you were doing. But somehow you're still semi-functioning. I think I owe it all to Lorazepam. Well...probably not all of it.

Yesterday was another terrible day for me. I had to leave work. This is the 2nd day this week I haven't been able to keep it together. I am so profoundly sad. The depth of it is infinite. It's as though there's an empty hole going straight through my chest that is filling with sadness. But instead of the hole opening up to the other side into my back, it never makes it there. It just grows deeper somehow. And there's no relief. I feel as though it's going to fill my entire body and soon I'll be drowning in it. A deep, dark sadness.

I feel like maybe if I say, "I miss her" over and over again to you, that you'll understand how much I do miss her.I miss her, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her....is it easier to understand now? Probably not, but I don't know how else to describe what I am feeling for my child. For Astrid. That's where this empty hole in my chest is coming from . Because I don't have her to hold and love, I'm not complete. There's a movie coming out that spotlights child loss and it's called Return to Zero. There tagline is 3-1=0. That equation seems so right for this situation.

The quietness in the house is haunting me. It's so still this morning just like the still sadness inside me. I miss Astrid so incredibly much. If you could only know how much I long to hold her in my arms just one more time. Even if it wasn't forever...just once more.