Frustration

Well apparently I'm not good at grieving. I dealt with the death of my father when I was 22, so I thought I would be an old pro. Well. I'm not, as was highlighted in today's therapy session. And Yes. I'm going to therapy. Today was session 2. It sucked. And I hated it. The completely pissed off part of me wants to cancel all of my appointments and just figure this out on my own. The very small part of me that is logical right now, knows that this is "good" for me. But like I said: only a small part of me is feeling logical right now.

It's not my first time in therapy. I'm no stranger to psychological downfall. So now that's out in the open. However, I feel like this is my first time where I'm being profiled by the therapist in a way that is entirely too real. And I don't like it. This one isn't going to let me hide behind my defense mechanisms and my walls. She's going to make me come out of hiding, face the actual grief head on, talk about Astrid, and cry. It's mostly the crying that I try to fight the most. And I really enjoy hiding. I feel most secure in isolation. Therapist says that I need to become less isolated in the next few days or going to work is going to be that much harder next week. I want to be more isolated in the next few days because I won't get to be isolated anymore once I am forced to go back to work. So you can see where part of the struggle lies. She's also already making very poignant observations as to why I keep everyone at arms reach. Things from my past. I don't like this. You always think (or maybe it was just me) that being psychoanalyzed would be SO cool and SO interesting. It's not cool at all.  It's very real and scary.  Maybe I'm just not ready to be healed yet? Maybe I haven't even started true grieving yet? I don't know.

My "I'll show you" attitude is coming out though too. She gave me some assignments for this week. As mentioned she said I need to come out of isolation. She also said I need to call my supervisor to get a feel for what I'm walking into next week and I need to start exercising to help with depression. Guess how many of those things I feel willing to do? As soon as I'm told that I have to or need to do something, I tend to say, "No. I don't. And I won't." Childish? Maybe. It's part of my personality though. I don't really see myself doing any of those three things.

No good way to end this post except I'm clearly upset. I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted.