Things keep going

Let's get personal. Well, not too personal. Actually, it's probably a little late for that. I had my first appointment with the doctor yesterday. What a weird experience. I made sure to keep my guard up going in to the appointment. First of all, I didn't know what to expect. Secondly, it's the same location as the hospital where I gave birth. I wasn't crazy about going back there. Thirdly, the OB/GYN waiting room is a cesspool of pregnant women and babies. I made sure not to make eye contact with anyone other than the receptionist. I also made sure to sit around the corner from the main waiting room. And thankfully I got there 3 minutes before my appointment, so I didn't have to sit there listening to the beautiful noise of a crying newborn.

I won't lie about this. Prior to giving birth to Astrid, the noise of a crying baby made me cringe like you wouldn't believe. I couldn't ever wrap my head around the idea of having to deal with that day in and day out. Now it's a sound of new life for me. Amazing how perspective changes in the blink of an eye. 

My appointment wasn't long, but I came armed with a lot of questions. My doctor was so compassionate. Cutting the short story short: he lifted my pelvic rest, the genetic testing isn't yet complete, and we can try again when we're emotionally ready . 

He touched a little bit on the genetic side of things for me. Basically if there is something in our genetic make-up that will make our babies predisposed for this condition, we wouldn't ever have a greater than 50% chance of this happening again. Typically it would be about 25%. But it could just be a complete fluke, meaning that Astrid was 1 in 4000. What the hell? I don't know which way I'd feel better about things. Do I want to have a reason and something to pinpoint this on so we know why? Or do I want it to be a fluke and be pissed that she had to be the 1 in 4000? Whatever. I don't know. It should be another 4 weeks before we hear from the genetic counselor. 

Anyway. After talking to my husband about things, he's leery of trying again so soon. He says he can't handle watching me have to go through pain like this again. He recognizes that while the loss is very real for him, that I endured the physical side of things as well. I am torn about trying again. I've been analyzing if my feelings of wanting to try again so soon is me subconsciously thinking that a new baby will fill the void that I have. I do know though that no baby will ever replace Astrid. So there's a part of me that feels like I "should" wait a while so I know that my emotional healing is well under way. Yet that part of me doesn't want to wait at all. Again, I don't know what's right. I don't know how I should feel. It's almost odd that our bodies just keep going, but our emotions seem to be at a standstill.

I do know that work starts again in just over a week, and I'm completely not ready for it.