Grief is the Worst.

It's been a while since I had a breakdown. Well, maybe not a "while" considering it's only been just over two weeks since we found out our horrible news. The other night I broke down into actual hysterics though. It was probably building up. My hysteria included, but was not limited to, the following topics:

• I probably won't be able to get pregnant again
• What is wrong with me that I've only been pregnant twice and somehow fucked them both up? (referring to the miscarriage I had in 2011)
• The death of my daughter will change me. 
• The death of my father changed me and ultimately lead to the demise of my first marriage
• The death of my daughter will change me and will lead to divorce.
• My life has been horrible even though I've always made all the right choices
• I will probably die alone
• My husbands feelings of loss can't be as difficult as mine because at least he already has a daughter
• I will never be okay

There was more. I can't even remember now. It all sounds self absorbed and supremely pessimistic now. At the time all of those bullet points were fact, not theories. They were fact, not feelings. In the wake of the hysteria they don't seem like absolutes anymore. Welcome to Grief.