Now what?

That story sure took a lot of words. Now I'm wondering what's next. It's what I've been wondering the last few days, except now I don't have the telling of the story to distract me. I don't even know what to do with this blog next. This week I've still been dealing with my physical recovery, and of course trying to stabilize myself emotionally...somewhat. That part hasn't really fallen into place yet. On top of it all there's things like "making arrangements" as they say.

I've been communicating with the funeral director that did my dad's funeral via email the last few days. We've opted for a cremation. I've found myself going back and forth between exhaustion and insomnia. During my insomniac periods, I set out on a quest to find the perfect urn. That seems like an oxymoron in a way, doesn't it? "Perfect urn." I was able to find one that was a bronze sculpture of mother, father, and baby. It looks like any other decorative piece you'd find in a happy household with a family of 3. That's what I wanted. Something that wasn't intrusive, and didn't scream, "URN! There's someone dead in here!" Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I feel about most urns.

There's so much to consider about making arrangements. I had done some of this before when I helped my mother plan my father's funeral 10 years ago this July. I just was never prepared how those things would apply to Astrid 10 years later. Deciding if we wanted an obituary, burial vs cremation, burial of cremains or urn, a memorial service, any keepsakes, coordinating the timing of it all. Thankfully my mother helped me with a lot. Thankfully I kind of remember some of this stuff. And thankfully my husband and I were able to easily agree on what we felt was best for our healing as a couple. Nothing would have been worse than if we had two different ideas of what would be best for this situation.

So in a few days, we should have her cremains in a bronze sculpture. I know how terrible this must sound for some, but it is such a necessary part of our healing. That'll be the first step...so now what? At some point I''ll need to leave this room. At some point I'll have to see people.