Positive, but feeling nervous

On November 14th I took a pregnancy test at home. I so badly wanted to be pregnant, as I knew my due date would be so close to my dad's birthday and the day he died. I hoped that this would help give me and my family the healing we needed in July. But almost exactly a year prior I had gotten my positive pregnancy result with a hopeful July due date only to miscarry 6 weeks later. My nerves were definitely there. But sure enough, much to my surprise, I was pregnant. And instantly scared.

Everyone told me, "just wait until you make it past your miscarriage date--you'll be fine". Then it was, "just wait until you're out of the first trimester. Then you'll feel great." Then, "Just wait until you hear the heartbeat."  "Just wait until you see the baby on ultrasound." "Just wait..."

Admittedly each step mentioned above did help, but I was still so cautious with my emotions. I couldn't just be happy-go-lucky about this. It's too serious. Yes baby's are beautiful and wonderful and they bring so much joy. However, biology is so complex and so uncertain and so many horrible things happen to such innocent little people. This was far too serious and important for me to just be excited about buying tiny clothes.

Fast-forward to our first ultrasound on February 25th. I was so anxious. James, my husband, was so excited. We were going down a checklist. Here's the abbreviated version, "Heart, check, all clear. Brain, check, all clear. Measurements, 18 weeks, all clear. Bladder...must not be full. Baby must have just peed. We see that sometimes but we really like to see a full bladder. Hands and Arms, check, all clear. Hmm. Well we can't see feet and give you a gender. Baby won't move his/her hands from in front of his/her face either. Try emptying your bladder and let's get this baby to move around a bit. Nothing? Let's have you get up and walk around for 5 to 10 minutes. That usually does it. Still nothing?"

I should make it clear that the baby was moving, he/she just wasn't changing positions. After an hour and 10 minutes, they said there was nothing to worry about and that this was completely normal. Baby was just being stubborn. "We'll have you come back after you're 20 weeks and we'll get everything else all taken care of."

I left feeling some relief that brain and heart were wonderful. James left feeling excited, but disappointed we didn't know gender. I remember telling a coworker that we were almost clear--that brain and heart were good. She lectured me on how I needed to start enjoying my pregnancy and stop being so nervous. But as I said, growing a baby is a serious job.

Our next ultrasound was scheduled for March 14th.