First steps & goals

I decided to call my mom and ask her to come over. My cousins are with her for the weekend. I said, "I could really use some Dairy Queen," and that's all it took. She and my cousins will be on their way shortly. It's a 30 minute drive from mom's house to mine, but that's the thing about amazing mothers. They drop everything for their children. So inviting mom plus cousins over is a huge first step after my week of self-inflicted imprisonment. I'm nervous. I know it will be fine. But I'm nervous. I know there will be crying and hugs and more crying. It'll probably be good for me though. Mostly though, I know it will be good for them. I know that their hearts are breaking for me.

So after deciding to take the plunge, I set some mini-goals for myself-in no particular order:

1. See people other than my husband and step-daughter (check)
2. Start spending more time in other parts of the house and get out of my room more
3. Start exercising for both my physical and mental health
4. Read a book
5. Spend more 1 on 1 time with my step-daughter 
6. Cook a meal
7. Start writing thank you cards for all the meals, gifts, and support
8. Enjoy music again
9. Start eating with my family
10. Start reaching back to friends that have been reaching out
11. Try to smile more than cry when I think of Astrid

So the first one is about to be completed. Husband and I decided to tackle #3 starting next week--baby steps though. Just a mile a day at first. #5 is very important to me. My step-daughter is 16 and has been so courteous of my grief this past week. She has the biggest heart. Next week I'm going to see if she wants to go for a drive down the river road for photo-fun-time with our cameras.

I'm glad to have these mini-goals to work toward, but that doesn't mean the devastation is gone yet. The horrible knots in my stomach seem to have taken permanent residence. The constant fear is still lingering. My chest still feels like it could literally explode. But I have goals now. And that's something.