Is it time for the anger stage?

I'm just pissed off. And in disbelief. Is this seriously the way my life is going to go? Outside of this pregnancy I've had such a shitty last 6 months. I never truly thought my life could actually get worse. Now the atomic bomb of horrible-life-twists-and-turns has fallen right on top of me. So in the future if anyone ever says to me about anything, "At least it can't get any worse," I'll know to respond with, "Yes it can."

I'm just so angry about so much. Starting with "why did this happen?" And even more specifically, why to me? The crappy, angry side of me wants to know why doesn't this sort of thing happen to bad people. Like people who are all cracked out during their pregnancy? I did everything right. I followed all the pregnancy rules. Why doesn't this happen to people that abuse their children? How could this happen to someone like me? Someone who was going to love their child and teach her to be good and kind? Someone that was going to protect her and respect her?

Then when I really think about why, I start wondering if it's because my husband is a smoker. Or maybe all those jokes I made about modern medicine saving me from natural selection weren't actually jokes. Maybe they were more true than I thought, and I'm not actually supposed to procreate.

I'm angry about other things too--like that my husband is back to work already. And has been. He works two jobs, and works very hard and does so for financial reasons. He's typically gone from 9 until 3 and then from 4 until 10:30. So that leaves no time for me and no time for supporting me. It also leaves me to be the parent of his daughter as well. He said to me last night something about how he has to put on a face for everyone at work. I replied something like, "Yeah well I'm doing that every day too, because I'm sitting here in my grief still having to be a parent to a teenager. And it's not even MY daughter, it's YOURS." And not to mention that teenagers are self-absorbed creatures by nature. So she doesn't have a clue that I'm still having a horrible time, and if she did she wouldn't understand why.

God this blog entry is getting sort of chaotic and disorganized. That's what grief-anger does to you though. It makes you feel chaotic in your mind and your thoughts seems like they're coming from all directions.

I'm also angry that my husband verbalized one too many times that he wanted a boy. And of course I know that he would have loved having a boy or a girl. But he said boy and he said it a lot. And he said it was because he already had a girl. Now it turns out we had a girl. And now she's dead. And it's really fucking great that he already had a girl, but I didn't already have one. And now my little girl is gone.

There's more. There's so much more. But I can't even come up with a way to organize it in my mind in such a way that I could write it down. I'm angry about a lot. Which will probably lead me to another day in my room with the door shut. The solitude is what I need right now.